Fatherhood and Games Mastering

Something very strange happened to me last week. I had to stop and think about it for a minute, before I realised what was actually going on.

I was writing a bit of prose for a friend of mine for my weekly Pathfinder RPG game - his character has had a semi-prophetic vision (of the "prevent this" variety), and I'd set up the scene of the vision, and wanted to describe something to make it seem more dramatic.

Not wanting to go into too much detail about the scene I was describing, suffice to say that it was about demons terrorising a town that they had taken control of. Now, to me, demons in RPGs are evil, end of discussion (though I am also a merry user of the redeemed demon as one of my favourite NPCs in my long-running campaign). So, any evil thing you can think of is fair game for demons. Since I happen to have a fairly vivid imagination, I can think of quite a lot (though some truly depraved things still shock me).

So, I had an idea for a particular part of the scene - not to go into too much detail, but it involved a young child being harshly treated by a demon, and the child's mother able to only watch. I got about half a sentence into writing it, and stopped. That half-sentence got deleted. I got on with the rest of the story - I didn't even think to try and come up with a different description to use to "strengthen the image".

Why?

Because, as a father with a two-year-old, the image in my mind sickened me. Sickened me on a level I can't properly describe. Over the years I've described lots of things for RP, some of the worst crimes one human can inflict on another, and I've never had a problem writing things down for stories, but I had to avoid this one.

I doubt I can really explain it, but I've found one of my taboo subjects, and it's there not because I as a person consider it particularly depraved or awful - I can write that sort of description until the cows come home - but because I cannot separate the emotions I have regarding my own son and the things I write.

I can intellectually discuss rape, or torture, or the vilest means of dismemberment - I know the mechanics of them, but I have no deep visceral understanding of them, even though, for example, I have a close friend who was raped. But evil being done to a child? That's when Daddy steps in and slams on the brakes.

I'm not the same person I was before my son was born. I didn't really realise that until last week. Up until now, I'd always thought I could deal with anything in a mature, intellectual, detached way.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was again reminded of this when I was flicking through the archives on Gnome Stew and came across a post about taboo subjects, which is what prompted me to write here.

I don't think I have all that many taboos in my own games, but I certainly don't revel in pushing the boundaries of politeness, and I'm certainly a lot more careful than I once was about even mentioning certain subjects. The important thing is what stopped me writing that thing about the demon: if it doesn't add to the story itself, it's gratuitous, and if it's gratuitous, it probably doesn't need to be on the page.

My two-year-old son taught me something about writing and Games Mastering that I didn't understand until now. How awesome is that?